Friday, April 13, 2018

Letting Go of Someday (4/12/18)

I finished crocheting a baby blanket last week that I've been working on for a long time. With every stitch, I cherished dreams of a home of my own someday and of a child that I could someday swaddle in it. The sunny yellow squares criss-crossing the perfectly white ones is such a cheery picture to me, but more than that, this little blanket is a dream for someday.

I've got a lot of dreams like that. Someday dreams. Dreams that I know can't happen right now. For the most part, I'm okay with waiting and biding my time because I know it's worth the wait in the end. But sometimes, something happens that stops my contentment in its tracks and causes me to wonder about things that I shouldn't worry about yet. When I see pictures on Facebook of different friends beginning a relationship with someone and my foolish heart whispers,

"You know, you're the same age as they are."

"You'll be 18 next month and you've never been in a relationship."

"Wonder what that's like."

"Maybe you could have had that if only..."

I think the two words I hate the most are if and almost. If has so much uncertainty crammed into it. Almost is a word full of regret. They're words that are used so often, sometimes we forget what they mean - to come so close to something, only to miss it. Something didn't work out that would have in other circumstances.

Some of my someday dreams are too close to my heart to share. They're too precious to put out there for people to know because to my young, naive heart, they hold almost sacred value. It's why I don't share all of my poems, why I don't know what I want to do when I grow up, and why I don't try to make those dreams happen. What if it doesn't turn out the way I dreamed it would? What if I mess it up? It's so much easier to let them remain in my mind as perfection than to bring them into reality and accept that they will have the flaws that everything in this world has.

Contentment. Peace. Patience. Wisdom. Humility. Purity. 

Stop focusing on what I may become one day : the Girlfriend. The Wife. The Mother.

And focus on what I am right now : the Daughter. The Sister. The Friend.

Stop imagining stories where I am : the Adventurer. The Hero. The Fearless.

And learn how to become what I would so like to be : the Author. The Mentor. The Selfless

4 comments:

  1. Letting go has always been difficult for me. But you make a good point dear.

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  2. I've been trying to be content with what I have at the moment. But, it's just too difficult.

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