Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Maybe Sometimes (7/4/17)

Sometimes I feel like maybe people forget about me and I try too hard to help them remember.
Sometimes I care too much what people think.
Sometimes I get excited or nervous and I talk too fast and slur my words together. Sometimes I complain more than I should.
Sometimes I have weird physical problems and I don't know the cause or how to explain them to people. Sometimes I can't even form words to explain what's wrong or how they can help me because it feels like someone disconnected the cords carrying messages from my brain to my mouth.

I've been living in the constant fear of having another "episode", like maybe I'll just start feeling drowsy and my heart rate will drop and I'll simply fall over again. Maybe something like this will happen again and no one will be around to see me fall. Maybe no one will find me and I'll lay out there for who knows how long until I wake up again... if I wake up again.

But maybe, just maybe... I shouldn't be so worried. Sure, I should have a backup plan in case of emergencies, and maybe I should let the people I work with know just in case, but I shouldn't worry about it all the time because that might trigger the very thing that I'm anxious about.

Maybe I ought to stop counting the things in my life that have caused me pain in the last two-and-a-half months and focus on the little things that should keep me contented and joyful, if not happy all the time. Maybe I should stop creating lists to have on hand in case someone asks for prayer requests and instead list the blessings that God has put in my life that I have taken for granted, or at the very least, haven't been as grateful for as I should have been.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with a peace the surpasses all understanding.
Sometimes God gives me more grace than I know how to accept easily.
Sometimes my family and friends love me more than I deserve.
Sometimes a person comes along at the exact moment when I need a hug or a hand to hold.
Sometimes I love my job and the people I work with, and I love that I'll have the opportunity to share Christ with them at some point.
Sometimes I forget what trust in God really means...

And maybe... just maybe...

I ought to remember that more. :)

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