Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Uncertainties - In My Life (1/11/17)

In my life, there are so many questions and answers that somehow seem wrong
In my life, there are times when I catch in the silence the sigh of a faraway soul
And it sings of a world that I long to see
Out of reach, just a whisper away waiting for me...

- In My Life, Les Miserables (look up the 10th Anniversary edition, it's the best one) ;)

This portion of the song resonates with me greatly at the present moment... I feel so much uncertainty, so much strangeness, and I wonder so much. I wonder about nearly everything now, and it unnerves me just a little. I think about things and question why such oddities would cross my mind and then wonder why I care. Does it really matter?

I suppose it shouldn't... but, as I said, it unnerves me. 

I've convinced myself it's normal to have images flash in my head of different scenes I've never seen, but have imagined so many times, they feel like memories; stories I have conjured up so vividly, they seem to be relaying before my eyes. 

Is this what it is to be a writer? To always be noticing quirks and flaws in everyone around me and concluding, "That's something that my Lena would do," or, "That guy in the corner makes me think of how I imagined Josiah," or, "I like the way the girl I'm talking to closes her eyes and crinkles her nose when she laughs. Someone (in my story) should do that."

But it doesn't stop there. I feel like I'm having these stories - this one specific story - trapped inside me all of the time. And so far there's only two characters, and both are based partly off of two people from the real world! I would almost venture to say that it is beginning to distort my view of who they really are and I get it muddled with the characters I based off of them. My thoughts can get as strange as, "Is it too unrealistic for her to do such-and-such a thing if she's dying?" or, "Would my esquire really be able to believe that the servant girl is a mute, or would he keep trying to trick her into saying something?" or, "Will people really be able to see what I'm seeing when they read this, or will they picture it in a totally different way (because I think I would hate that)?"

I guess I'm just feeling some uncertainties, some misgivings.

Is this what being an author is really like?

I'm beginning to question my calling. ;)


  1. For what it may be worth, you are not the only one in your immediate friend group who has or is experiencing that, shall we say. ;)

    1. Hmmm... let me try and figure out who you're talking about... XD