Wednesday, July 15, 2015

An Abstract Apology (7/15/15)

Vibrate by WojciechFus on deviantARTDear A, A, J, K, and R,

I wanted to express my regret for anything I said on the last night of the few days we spent together. I don't know what possessed me; I could come up with any number of excuses, but they all seem so shallow and empty, so meaningless. I was feeling lonely when I had no right to feel alone and I let it get the better of me; I had wanted you to know before, but it wasn't supposed to come out like that. I was emotional and tired and it all spilled out, leaving me in tears and looking a fool. I understand if you don't want to be around me anymore.

She bit her lip before continuing. 

If I could bite my tongue and take back my words, I would. I'm sorry. In trying to be better and set a good example, I probably messed up more than I would have in the first place. I know you all will probably never read this. I just had to say what was in my heart, even if no one ever hears the words. 

Now she did blink back a tear.

If you see me look away when you look me in the eyes, this is why. I'm so ashamed of my conduct and I want you to know I know full well just how immature I was acting at that point in time.

She crossed out, "and many other times as well."

I guess that's all. I've never been very good at saying things out loud. It's always easier to write it out instead. But I suppose it's always easier to run away rather than facing your problems.
Good-bye. Guess I'll see you next week.

She stared at the page in her hand. Scrawling words, crossed out lines, lopsided letters. The imperfections seemed so similar to the ones she had in her life. Her hands began to shake. Was this really how it had to be?
Giving a shuddery breath, she pulled the grate back from the fireplace's opening. The usual coziness of the room seemed to be missing, but she didn't know how to restore it. Certainly not by tossing away the abstract apology into the crackling flames.
Without warning, the door opened with a loud creak and one of the friends addressed in the letter walked in. 

"Isabelle?" Ana stared at the girl in confusion, looking from the shaking hands to the fear-filled eyes. "What are you doing here? What's wrong?"
Striding quickly over, she noticed the paper in Isabelle's hands. She slid it out and her friend made no attempt to keep it from her. After reading it, her eyes filled with empathy and she reached out to her. Isabelle burst into tears.
"I- I just- I'm sorry."
"You shouldn't be. You didn't do anything wrong." She hugged her tightly. "It was my fault. I should have tried harder to let you be a part of the group. We all should have."
Isabelle buried her nose in the sleeve of the soft blue sweater she was wearing and sighed deeply. Maybe it wasn't wrong to let people know how you feel, every once in awhile.

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