By grace I can't explain!
His faithfulness, His mercy,
And yet, mine is the gain!"
I struggle with feeling like an inconvenience to those around me, especially the people that are dearest to me. I hate feeling like I am a burden to those that mean the most to me. After a particular wave of this guilt and heaviness, I broke down and cried, and began asking God questions. Not the sort that demands, "Why do you let me go through this? Why must I carry this burden?" It was rather an admittance - a confession - that I was not worthy of the kindness that presented itself whenever my burden grew greatest. "God, I do not deserve this good thing that you have blessed me with... I shouldn't have it! Why have I been blessed with such goodness and patience? Why have I been given such a gift? I am not comfortable with it because I am not worthy of it. It is wrong for me to have it. I don't deserve this good thing!"
And, as He has in times past, He answered with a question.
"What good thing in your life have you deserved?"
It stopped me in my tracks. There was only one response to such a question: none. I have not earned any of the blessings in my life. They are gifts, and all that I am capable of doing is falling to my knees and thanking God for them and praising Him for His goodness, instead of focusing on my own lack thereof. Thanking God for His grace in every area of my life instead of accepting it only in the places where I feel most comfortable with it - the places where I do not fully realize the desperation of my need for it.
I have always struggled with feeling undeserving - feeling guilty for the good things I have in my life. I am blessed so beyond what I could have ever dreamed to ask for... even when I was still living with sinful thoughts and attitudes, with no real interest in what the Lord might have for me, He was already preparing for me a life that is so beautiful and so full of adventure, it stuns me when I look at it for what it is. There is so much beauty in the everyday, in the lives of my dear ones, in laughter, in uncertainty, in sunshine, in nature, in poetry, in sorrow, in pain - yes, even in the uncertainty, the sorrow, the pain! God grants light and beauty and joy, sometimes more than we could ever imagine at the time, and sometimes we are able to see His eternal plan more clearly when we look at the past with eyes that have been cleared by tears.
Life is unpredictable. We all know this to be true. A day that is considered to be completely normal could be followed by the unthinkable. We never know what the future holds for certain, but that is not a bad thing. With our finite knowledge, we are then able to look back on what has happened in wonder, awe, and amazement, and thank God for the great things He hath done.
I have peace about this burden now... it is not something that I feel guilty about anymore (it is not a moral shortcoming, but rather a physical weakness which we have not yet found an explanation for). I no longer feel the horrible despair, the lie that feels like a black cloud of discouraging "truth", that whispers in its cruel spite, "You will always be a burden to the people you care most about. You don't deserve them .They don't deserve to be straddled with someone who has this problem."
I don't deserve them, it is true.
But what good thing have I ever deserved?